ericlikeseatin's Xanga

blaming the economy for modern "conveniences"

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 03:07:59 GMT

i have just returned from a brilliant weekend skiing in the poconos. the skies were clear, i was in good company, and the lodge had a terrific hot chocolate drink. i am a skier but several of my friends decided to try out the scallowag sport of snowboarding and contrary to my expectations, not a single person died, not even slightly.

however, on our way home, it was a totally different experience and i blame our dreadful trip on modern technology. someone riding in my car had brought along their satnav unit and we decided that it would be a good idea to use it on our way home; it had gotten dark and most of the mountain roads were not well lit which made it difficult to see the road signs.

what a complete disaster it was. first of all, the satnav was programmed during its last journey to avoid toll roads which meant that unknown to us, we were being directed away from civilization and into a town that looked like the spawn of the blair witch project and a russian gulag. naturally, turning this feature off required several hundred pushes of buttons and an advanced degree in electrical engineering.

next, the satnav was delayed in giving turn instructions, which meant that i was constantly being caught off guard and slamming on my brakes to make left and right turns. on a normal road this is just a minor nuisance, but when you are traveling downhill on a gravel mountain road that is poorly lit, it can be lethal.

lastly, despite all these shortcomings in the device’s most basic of functions, it greatly bothered me that it did other things so well. for example, it knew the speed limit of every road i traveled on and was constantly upset at me for driving 60 mph on a 55 mph road. this also meant it knew the speed of my car, which is a redundant feature since every car i have ever driven in my entire life has come with something called a speedometer. in addition, it somehow knew my elevation above sea level, which is useful in an airplane, but very unncessary in a car. so then, as an agent of convenience and safety, i would much rather have a massive shark bite than a GPS device.

this brings me to my next point, which is that nothing made these days works as it is intended. my cell phone for example works as a great mp3 player, camera, planner, memo pad, and alarm clock. but it is constantly dropping calls, spraying static into my ear, and running out of electricity. for communicating with people, i would honestly be better off shouting loudly and hoping the person i need to speak with is within earshot.

the same goes for my computer which is constantly freezing and my coffee machine that likes to spray boiling hot grounds at my face. my car spends half its time at the shop having its airbags and electric windows replaced, my microwave only wants to warm up the bowl and not the food in it, and the remote control to my television is impossibly complicated and has a thousand buttons all with hieroglyphics written on them.

i think i understand what is going on here. because several years ago, banks lent money they did not have to deadbeats in california who would could not pay back the loans, the economy is now in shambles. in these current times of bank failures, auto company bailouts, and the dropping value of the US dollar, i believe the goods we buy are cleverly designed to create extra jobs and help us out of the economic slump. not only do the products have to be manufactured in a factory, but someone has to be hired to answer the phone when you call customer support when it breaks. the company also has to employee a technician to fix your broken appliance or device and then in order to ship your mended product back to you, they must ring up a delivery man. if all the things i owned never went wrong, think of all the people that would be jobless and living in squalor.

so remember this next time you are on hold listening to bad music and waiting for an indian man to help you fix your broken laptop. he may be a thousand miles away, have no proficiency at the english language, all the while genuinely not caring about your computer, but just like you buying your rubbish laptop, he is doing his part to help the world economy.

no internet...

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:13:22 GMT

...helped me be productive on my day off:

installed curtain rod on window
track lighting put up in bedroom (electricians haha)
electrical outlet installed in laundry room (electricians obviously)
set up washing machine
put together dining room table with SIXTY screws
put together television table
shower curtain rod/shower curtains
mopped loft floor

time to pass out!

i'm so proud!

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 04:13:10 GMT

the little hatchback that could!

in case you're wondering, those are 80 inch bookshelves that fit in my car somehow!

reading the paper can kill you

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 09:16:19 GMT

it is hard to enjoy anything currently. just this past weekend, i was at the pub enjoying a meal with a friend. as we shared in good conversation, little nagging thoughts occasionally popped into my head. just how quickly does second-hand smoke turn my lungs into tumorous blocks? is my burger cooked medium-rare infected with bacteria that will liquefy my intestines? have the land burning, communist agents working for the philadelphia parking authority towed away my car for an 30 second-expired meter?

i fully blame this prevalent worrywart-itis on the media. anytime you open up the paper or turn on the ten o'clock news, it is all doom and gloom. corrupt city governments are misappropriating funds, old men in suits on wall street are reducing your retirement funds to the value of last year's laptop, and toxic cat litter is turning your kitty's insides to concrete - the list goes on and on.

eventually, someone is going to find a connection between newspaper ink and skin cancer. and because we're told that watching the television gives you glaucoma and turning on the car radio while driving means you'll go through the pearly gates backwards and on fire, how will we ever learn about the dangers of newspaper reading? surely not through the interweb, which is filled only with pedophiles and terrorists.

as i write this, i am reading an article that documents how drinking, even in moderation, shrinks your brain. the pathetic scaremonger who performed this study clearly has nothing in life which makes him happy and is seeking revenge on the world by spreading his hate and misery. rest assured, drinking only affects your brain in the short term, and in that short term, alcohol is a magical and wonderful thing. benjamin franklin once said that "beer is living proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." in the long term, alcohol in all forms lowers the incident of heart disease and red wines are chock full of powerful antioxidants. so don't worry about your brain's cleverness and enjoy your glass of chablis, your ice cold martini, or your pint of lager.

unless youre drinking keystone light, in which case i might start believing that article.

the answer

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 12:56:09 GMT

as i floated in the purgatory between sleep and conscious this morning, i had a dream that i was on the verge of a great discovery. it was a feeling of excitement as one reads the ending paragraphs of a gripping mystery novel, or hearing the punchline of a joke. but just as i was about to be enlightened, my alarm clock goes off, ending my dream and sending me pummeling into an abyss of ignorance once more.

i have never woken up more frustrated and i don't even know the question to the answer i was so close to learning.

The Three Postulates of Sandwich Taste Dynamics

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:12:47 GMT

Postulate 1: The tastiness of a sandwich increases linearly as you approach the center of the sandwich.

Postulate 2: The ideal ratio of bread to filling is 3:2 - also known as the Montagu Value.

Postulate 3: The whole of a good sandwich is more than the sum of its individual parts.

too much of a choice thing

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 11:41:25 GMT

the recent fashion in haircut for men seems to be the "faux-hawk." it is accomplished using hair product to create the appearance of the mohawk without actually shaving the sides of one's head. this hairstyle was made popular by david beckham, but is now sported by scalawags and hooligans alike that you can find at your local pub. see the car in your rear view mirror that is following three inches behind your bumper? he's got a fauxhawk. and i'll bet that the guy in front of you at the movies who talks throughout the entire movie has got the same ridiculous haircut. out of all the possible haircuts he could have chosen, he chose to make himself look like a cock(adoo).

this is just one example where choice is a bad thing, which brings me to my next point, which is toothpaste. having used up the tube of toothpaste that i've been using for the last two years, i recently found myself in the toothpaste aisle at the pharmacy.

it is a sad sign of just how consumer-oriented american society has become that an entire aisle is devoted to the display of toothpastes. and what a display it was. holographic packaging, ADA stamps of approval, and similar sounding brand names paralyzed me with choice.

i prefer minty toothpastes, but should i get spearmint, peppermint, cool mint, wintermint, or clean mint? did i want my mint administered in a stripe, a gel, or in peppery flakes? more over, if i bought the cavity protection toothpaste, would my teeth turn yellow because the toothpaste that protects against cavities is not the whitening type?

actually, i should get the tartar prevention toothpaste because tartar buildup causes gum disease, and i know for a fact that bleeding gums are a real turn-off to the ladies. but so is nasty breath, and here on this shelf there is toothpaste with mouthwash built in! should i get the kind with scope or with listerine? no, that's a bad idea because if i get mouthwash toothpaste, my enamels will turn to dust because i've passed on the fluoride toothpaste. but what good is strong enamel when every time i eat ice cream, the nerves in my teeth feel like they are being prodded with scalding tongs? there is toothpaste for sensitive teeth to my left, but it comes in cinnamon, citrus, and twenty seven different varieties of mint.

when i come to power, i will revolutionize toothpaste sales. there will be only one type of toothpaste and it will be regular mint flavored, good for sensitive teeth, fluoride enriched, imbued with listerine mouthwash, tartar destroying, and whitening. the toothpaste will be so effective that you may choose to no longer floss.

and that is the easier choice of all.

joe and christina's wedding

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 12:51:18 GMT

some of the better pictures:

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:19:57 GMT

all lemons taste the same.

sun drop

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 23:39:32 GMT

taken today. there's always sun after the rain. unless its the night. then, well...you have a wait a bit longer. but the sun will come at dawn.

i promise.